Why Communication Is Essential In BDSM

Learn about why communication is important in BDSM, and how to communicate effectively in your relationships.

Communication #

It’s essential to be an effective listener as it is to be a good communicator. Not all communication is equal, good communication is about improving the situation together, not dividing further. It can be challenging to listen to a partner’s issue, and for many it can be equally challenging to vocalize feelings. Learn about others communicate and support each others’ style, remember you are playing for the same team so work together. Put time aside to review what things works, or what things didn’t, be proactive for next week. Good communication should be a constant focus in your dynamic, do not give up on it, because when you do it bites you!

Tips On Communication #

If you think something not working, don’t be afraid to speak up in the moment. For more impactful choices, consider pausing your thoughts until you’re in a neutral mindset, like deciding to up the level. Being in a sub/dom headspace can warp the feelings of an individual, leading them astray. You want clarity before making big choices you may regret later on, BDSM is challenging to communicate within due to the headspaces that exist.

You often run into not liking one thing, when in reality it’s another thing that’s the deeper issue. Approach the issue at it’s root and prepare your thoughts, perhaps write up a note with bullet points you want to express if that would help. Getting tripped, especially with those you care about, is not uncommon. As humans, we tend to be adverse to friction and avoid it, but it is a needed trade-off to help our dynamics stay healthy.

Remember, BDSM is a journey with no guide. Seek what you want from it and be honest to others, and most importantly yourself. Do not put yourself in something you don’t enjoy for someone else, this will only hurt your relationship with others.

Honorifics #

It is the term for the names you call your partner, or in some cases, submissives. It is meant to imply you are honoring them through its use as a power dynamic, but also loosely it means “the name you call your partner” meaning it implies to submissives as well. The types of honorifics will vary from the kinks you partake in, usually, it’s decided by the Dominant who has their own preference based on what kinks they enjoy. Honorifics can be kink-specific like master or daddy, but they can be ambiguous like sir. Whereas submissive can be called baby or darling, for example.

Know Yourself #

One challenge if you are BDSM is finding your voice and what you want from it. If you go in thinking apples, but want carrots, you are going to have a hard time. There is no expectation you should 100% know yourself, but it’s something we should all strive towards. Knowing ourselves on a deeper level helps support healthy friendships and relationships with others.

Setting Dynamic Goals #

As a connection evolves, you should establish answers to some of these important questions. Communicating your goals and expectations before things get going is the best way to avoid systemic issues further down the road.

• Is this casual, or are we dating with long-term goals?
• Are we exclusive?
• Are we online only or IRL.
• Doing photos, video, voice, in person?
• What kind of dynamic are you looking for? Do not fall prey to an ambiguous dynamics where questions like these are left unanswered. The leading cause of friction and other negative dynamics stem from misaligned goals. Ensuring each other are on the same page (and honest about it) is essential.

Dynamics Change #

You may discover what you, or your partner, likes changes. It can be new kinks, new limits, other times some may discover an entire different role. Communicating interests is an essential, confessing what works for you and what does not goes both ways.