What Are Fake Doms? The Growing Threat To BDSM

Learn about fake doms and how not all dominants are alike. Learn about the warning signs and how to protect yourself from unhealthy dynamics.

A dominant’s position over a submissive can be a fun experience, it also can be an abusive nightmare. As BDSM has grown, the number of uneducated people has grown with it too. This overview will explain what makes quality doms , and explains what fake doms are. This education will empower you to protect yourself, and the people you care about, from toxic dynamics.

Fake Doms #

The idea stems from doms that fail to adhere to the core principles in BDSM. Some choose to use BDSM as a vessel to live out unhealthy dynamics and relationships. Fake doms disregards core principles in BDSM, resulting in toxic/dangerous experiences for their partners.

Being able to tell the difference between a caring, respectful and honest doms and a serial abuser is hard, often people deny they are in an abusive relationship despite clear evidence otherwise. Submissives put their trust into doms to treat them right, and it is all too easy for fake doms to take advantage of that to further their selfish goals under the guise of being a “dom”. BDSM to newcomers can be murky to understand when physical force, control, and degradation are common concepts in kink dynamics, these very same concepts are hallmarks of truly abusive relationships too. What is the difference? That stuff stays in your bedroom. Fake doms take it to an unacceptable level. You should never be fearful/avoidant of your dom

A healthy BDSM relationship (for the majority) has an understood separation between the relationship and the dynamic. Below are some common red flags you should watch out for when looking for relationships that fake doms will go for…

Fake Doms (May) #

• Make you stop talking to all friends, especially those of genders you have a sexual orientation towards.
• Ask for access to your social media, phone, or otherwise private information or request to know who you talk to, how long, or similar. Generally being too invasive in your private life with friends.
• They distrust you, while giving none of their trust to you.
• Point blame at you (or others), never taking accountability themselves.
• Fail to listen to your feelings, concerns, or boundaries, prioritizing their needs over yours.
• Turns casual conversation into pressuring for sex and nudes, failing to build a quality relationship on merits of compatibility/interest (beyond sex).
• They are pathological liars who twist trust to their advantage, taking positions (you) misunderstood or (you) are crazy and if you catch them, “it won’t happen again”. Then it does happen again.
• Wearing you down mentally to give in to something you are uncomfortable with that you clearly stated you’re against.
• Often having too good to be true or otherwise grandiose stories about themselves to charm your opinion. Stories that build them to be experts of sorts or otherwise the “I know better than youl” of x thing(s) where only they are capable of being right and are critical of others because of said “their expertise”. This behavior is a common way to force your reliance on them for information that they can twist to their benefit to further manipulate you.

Genuine Doms #

• Emphasizes the need for good communication in the relationship, allowing you to speak your mind and bring up concerns whenever possible.
• Accept your limits and boundaries, never performing an act you previously expressed concerns/did not consent to. Boundaries must always be followed. If boundaries are a problem to a dynamic (as the relationship grows) they should have a healthy conversation of what you want, they want prior to any scene.
• Look out for your wellbeing, safety, and mental health without exception, even at the cost of their satisfaction/enjoyment.
• They value your friendship and personality, rather than consider you a sexual object. There should be a healthy friendship/relationship beyond the D/S dynamic to back up your dynamic.

Conclusion #

Fake doms exist in greater numbers than ever before as BDSM has become more mainstream. It is more important than ever as younger, less experienced BDSM members join the community to protect the vulnerable through education. If you ever notice these behaviors in your relationships, take the steps to move on. Often victims are blind to these signs and if you are considering this sounds familiar to what you are in now, know you can do better and be happier with what the BDSM community has to offer you with honest people.