Kink Shamming & Gate Keeping

Learn about issues like Kink Shamming & Gate Keeping and why its bad for the community.

Kink Shaming #

This is when a kink is used to enforce a negativity. Most often, shamming comes from someone who uses a kink to promote negativity with a kink or its concept. They speak their beliefs outwardly and use it to harm one’s character or actions. If you encounter a kink you disagree with, you should keep your opinion to yourself. One of the wonders of the BDSM community is its diversity. If you are morally against someone’s kink, that is totally fine. That said, discussing your dislikes and how they relate to your interests with potential partners is totally acceptable and encouraged. There are few times when telling a person who didn’t ask your for opinion is acceptable, so don’t be that person!

That said, there are kinks that are outright illegal or truly obscene, these are often banned by state/national laws or often dungeon rules. For some in shared spaces like communities, meetups or houses, do have limits, bans and rules that are clearly defined. For many the sky is the limit when staying to yourself though! There is no line of what is to be unacceptable or not, and this causes a great deal of friction in the overall BDSM community. While most agree that “the bad stuff” is totally unacceptable, the rest of the kinks fall somewhere in a gray area that is often debated. Remember, your kinks only matter to those in your dynamic.

Gate Keeping #

BDSM is a community of diversity, with each kink/term/role having various meanings to an individual. BDSM/Kinks represent an opinion, no who governs what kinks are defined as. The terms mean different things to different people. We are complex human creatures with complicated emotions, beliefs, and interests.

When engaging others, it is encouraged to keep your opinions to yourself for “what a kink is”, instead recognize how beliefs differ and kinks can be personalized by an individual. Gate keeping is a toxic trend where some say you are not X if you are A B C. Do not fall into this kind of mindset, instead focus on inclusivity and your own personal goals / dynamics. The world is large and not everyone has to play your team, only person that really matters is the one(s) in your dynamics.