What Are Safe Words & Limits?
Learn about what safe words & limits are, and why they are essential to BDSM. Why they are important topics in every relationship.
The concept of “Safe Words” are often misunderstood, especially with beginners who do not see the value in a dedicated safe word. BDSM is about being safe; communication is paramount to ensure this happens. The disconnect that many beginners have with BDSM is they ask themselves, why do I need a safe word? In reality, many beginners forgo a dedicated safe word with great success. This creates a dangerous situation where people do not value the benefit of safe words as they grow more with BDSM. If you want to take BDSM seriously and beyond what is vanilla, agreeing upon a safe word is necessary.
Safe Word - Your Own
There are two types of Safe Words; there are singular safe words that you are likely familiar with, these safe words are popular and used by many. The fun part about singular safe words is you can pick them! The safe word should be easy to pronounce, distance from casual conversation. For example, the safe word of “Hodar” from Game of Thrones may come across as “harder,” this would be a bad safe word. A good safe word could be “Mustang”, you often want two or more syllables, so it can be easy to understand at the moment and not mistaken as random noise.
Safe Word - Red Light
The better type of safe words are scale-based; this is the most recommended path for beginners because it lets you learn limits easier and where to push harder. Also, this is a standard safe word that all can understand easily!
- Green - Keep going do not stop I feel good, also can be used for pushing me harder.
- Yellow - Slow down, undo your previous action, and make your partner more comfortable as they were before they said Yellow. If uncertain, ask your partner their concern and address it before resuming.
- Red - This means stop everything immediately and go to your partner’s aid, immediately undo any restraints and ask what is wrong and make your partner comfortable until they are in a more relaxed state.
The Human Limit
Relationships that practice any kind of true BDSM kinks like rope bondage, con non-con (Consensual non-consensual), and many other kinks where health, pain, and safety are more prevalent factors. Kinks like these need to be looked out for more so than light BDSM and vanilla relationships, requiring safe words to ensure safety. For example, there are many kinks where people prefer to fight and resist; this is an example that can be mistaken as part of the role and can have disastrous problems if there is no set plan in place to separate the scene vs. reality. Use your mind and be safe, when performing a scene. The dominant person needs to look out for the health and safety of those involved and have a pre-understanding of the safety concerns regarding their kinks (Example: circulation and nerve problems in rope bondage). Each kink has different safety concerns a Dom must be able to recognize and address, as ultimately they are most in charge of their partner’s safety. That said, it is not just the Dominant’s parties job to tell how things are going, this also falls on the submissive party to speak up when things are not going well for them.
Important Aspect About Safe Words
“Red” and other safe words, should be used as an “I am done”. It is bad practice to start a scene back up after your partner uses a safe word, the responsible thing to do is to reflect on what happened and improve, even if your partner may claim it’s okay. It is best to go slow, communicate together about what happened, give some aftercare and take things easy. There is no need to rush, and there is always another day to start fresh. Consoling a partner there is nothing wrong with stopping and advocating for their safety and consenting will go a long way in building trust for the future and your bond.
This is also why Red Yellow Green is often recommended over single safe words because there is more flexibility than just “stop”. There is more granularity to the system.