Staying Safe In Relationships

How to be safe online and in the outside world when in the kink community. Learn safe practices & advice.

Safe BDSM Dynamics Online #

Having a BDSM relationship online can be challenging, anytime you seek potential partners there can be uncertainty if they are real or fake. Some sadly use BDSM as a method to get nudes and sex without really being interested in dynamics or BDSM. These people are toxic, and you should know how to spot these. As general role practice, these points below to be safe online.

• Never give your last name out or address until you have known each other, especially for receiving gifts early into a relationship, which can be a red flag. If you are into accepting gifts from strangers, consider renting a mailbox (not to be confused with a PO box which do not accept all packages) Some mailrooms will even allow you to pay a small fee to pick up items without paying for a box monthly.
• Avoid taking nude/sexual photos of your face included in them.
• Consider covering tattoos if they are recognizable.
• Your partner must respect your boundaries.
• Never assume a photo is legit, even if you can’t find it on Google images. Nowadays, people use private Instagram models, OnlyFans, and their friend’s accounts to catfish. Others can even use images stolen from communities like ours if they are poorly moderated.
• Always Voice Chat at a bare minimum, work towards video chat to prove someone’s identity if you are concerned with someone’s identity.
• If your partner is young, you should highly consider asking for their ID to verify their age.

Safe BDSM In Person #

While there is overlap with online dynamics, the new challenge becomes personal safety. While the BDSM community is full of people who promote safety, sometimes baddies slip in who say they are great Doms, when they are not. Always be cautious meeting anyone online through apps like Tinder. It is a great idea to share the location of where you are going to a close friend and tell them a time to check in on you, and if something happens, and you don’t respond get help. The alternative route is to look at local events happening in your community on sites like FetLife. You can screen the people attending beforehand and ask questions. Events designed around BDSM are a great way to meet people due to the pack benefit where everyone keeps each other safe.

Online communication has grown and with that, the number of people using digital trickery to catfish others online. In this article, I will cover how to tell if someone is a catfish using a few basic concepts and explain the signs that are a warning to watch out for.

What is a catfish? #

A catfish is a person who poses as another person (maybe a different gender, physical features, or simply their life/work details) in order to gain trust or use it as a layer of anonymity. While catfishes lean towards individuals who lack attention, confidence and/or suffer from mental conditions, sometimes catfishes can have more dangerous ambitions like crimes like blackmail and extortion.

How To Recognize A Catfish #

Often the first sign becomes clear by lack of sharing any kind of photos or information about themselves. Often, catfish rely on separation and lack of knowledge on your side to mask the discrepancies in their “fake life”. Less of their life you know, less they must lie to keep your trust. In contrast, as the catfish relationship continues, these “the fake life” lies become more and more common while thus the excuses grow. Catfishes often charm their victims and say what they want to hear to establish trust early on, often praying on those who are overly trusting. When catfishes feel cornered they resort to aggression, ultimatums, or reversing the questions/discussion back to yourself making them appear as victim. Often, catfish relationships can be depicted quite similar to abusive relationships for those reasons.

Catfishes Have Evolved #

In previous years, many catfishes would use Google images, models, and so on to commit trickery. The popularity of reverse image searches has grown in understanding. Many catfishes have caught on to become smarter and harder to detect through such means, often checking if they can find themselves. Serious catfishes have moved away from public images and source their personas from private Snapchats of their friends or of private Instagram accounts. This means images will not appear on Google Images appearing at first glance to be real photos, but in reality, these images can still be stolen. Even nudity and more personalized content are not exempt, as OnlyFans and other private image sites have grown in the past decade.

E-Whoring Albums #

There are unfortunately places on the internet that models(or abusers) sell/post albums to be used purely to catfish, usually for economic reasons to blackmail/extort money from married people, some even contain the models holding blank pieces of paper to write custom messages on or making peace signs with their hand among other various “test” people may ask. They are usually found on non-scrupulous such as piracy, hacking and other types of forums/sites. Even if you get tons of photos and even ones with their name/date written it’s hard to be truly sure. While there are ways to tell if photos are edited digitally, it can be difficult and is a whole topic on its own.

How To Tell Someone Is Not A Catfish #

One easy method is to look at the production quality of their images. If the images have perfect lighting and the person seems like a model, this alone may be a reason to pause. Another method is to ask for a picture of something with them interacting with it, such as pictures with their pet. You can be more specific, asking for them holding specific items

Catfishes are forced to create a “fake life” so asking details about their life and then asking similar questions (but not the same question) can easily figure out discrepancies in their life. For example, you could ask for their clothing size (for a gift idea) then weeks later ask the same question, and it may be different. Questions like when is your birthday, where you were born, favorite memory of X and so on are all great ways to test for discrepancies in a person’s life. Often, catfishes (especially those in serious relationships) mix aspects of their life with their persona to maintain their catfish identity.

Best way to know you are not getting catfished… #

Video chatting is by far the best way, video chatting is notoriously hard to fake in a live format, while recordings can be faked, live video chat is incredibly hard to fake. Creation of DeepFakes, AI Learning means this may not be the case forever, it certainly is the best way, and you can sleep with confidence knowing you are not getting catfished. for now ;)